The Destruction Of The Pumpkin Patch
by Queen Of The Cold
Summary: Harry is finding hogwarts very different this year, Ron is a hillbilly, Hermione is a drug dealer and the new headmaster always wears a balaclava. Strange things are going on in the common room as well...


Hey this is kind of based on a dream I had, its not serious and I don't mean to offend anyone. None of the characters are mine. 

**0000**

Half way through Harry's first potions lesson of the year, he thought he sensed a disturbance approaching. He could smell it in the air. Suddenly, the door burst open and in walked a giant glowing green blob wearing a purple bikini, tinted sunglasses and a straw hat. His jaw dropped, then he realised this was just a side affect of the substance Mundungus had left him in his will. The hallucination cleared and his jaw dropped again, here was Hermione, but her hair was dyed black, she was wearing black lipstick, black nail polish, her robes had been considerably shortened, she was wearing black fishnets and she had silver piercings in her nose, lip, eyebrow, all the way up both ears and when she said hi, there was seen to be a silver ball on her tongue.

"Well I'll be darned!"

Said Ron, who had been talking like a hillbilly since his parents had come out about being cousins.

Hermione was definitely a surprise, not only because she was late, she hadn't done her homework and her dramatic change in appearance, but it was not unbelievable. Lots of strange things had been happening to the students in Hogwarts since the death of Dumbledore and the arrival of the new headmaster, nobody knew who it was because they always wore a long hooded cloak and a balaclava all the time.

"Now today kids, we are making a potion that causes visions and great happiness. If anyone here is pregnant, has a heart problem, or is constipated, please go to the back table and get out your textbooks."

Ernie Macmillan, Neville Longbottom and Hermione went to the back.

"Now, the person that makes the best potion will be given this as a reward"

He held up a bottle of green liquid

"Its highly dangerous if taken in large quantities. People have died from taking it because they try to follow a rainbows, either dying from starvation or launching themselves off a cliff in an attempt to fly. It is a very new potion and only one member of the ministry has taken it. They've never been seen since and no one else has tried it. So at the moment its not illegal. Now, who wants some?"

Every single member of the class put up their hand. Hermione smirked at Harry and flashed him a large bottle of blue liquid and mouthed the word "stronger" at him.

"Alright, GO! I will taste all of your potions at the end to decide which is best"

After spiking his cauldron with fire whiskey and vodka (A combination he had learned on his last night with the Dursleys) Harry looked down at the book Moaning Myrtle had given him. It was called "The no blood bitch" and from his brief scan of it, it contained this potion. He followed the instructions carefully and in the end his potion was bright pink.

"E nah ha! That's a lurve potion boyo, it's the same one Ginny tried to use on me after you broke up with her, mate you got screwed by the toilet whore!"

Ron was just jealous, he'd had a crush on Myrtle forever.

The potion class ended and the green potion was awarded to a lanky Slytherin boy who had the face of a lepracorn. After dinner he went to his dormitory to find Neville sniffing his used underclothes.

"GET OUT YOU DISCUSTING PERVET! FUCK OFF AND NEVER, EVER COME NEAR MY BED AGAIN!"

Neville crawled along the floor to his bed, making some kind of hissing noise with his mouth, he put his shorts on and crawled out of the room.

"Fuck I need a drink"

Harry searched among the empty whiskey bottles for about ten minutes, he was sure there was at least one bottle left. Finding none he lifted up his mattress to get his emergency bottle of vodka. He picked it up but it seemed strangely light. He noticed a piece of paper stuck to it with cello tape. He lifted it closer to his eye and read the tiny writing 'I.O.U, love Weasley'

Since Neville had just been such dick, he decided that it was only fair that he took some of his stash. His grandma always sent him a bottle of sherry for Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Midwinter Christmas, Boxing Day, New Years Eve, New Years Day and Saturdays.  
There was a full bottle on top of his trunk. Harry downed it in one swing. Moments later he felt himself falling. Stupid faggot Neville, trust him to spike his own drink.

Hours later he woke up lying on his stomach, his legs hurt with incredible pain. Wait, why would his legs hurt? Something wasn't right. He sniffed the air, it smelled like Lockhart cologne.

"SEAMUS FINAGIN, YOU ARE A FOWL BEAST THAT IS WASTING AIR ON THIS EARTH! I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW PAINFULL DEATH!"

He staggered downstairs and collapsed in a an armchair by the fire.  
He looked around, taking in all the drama going on around him. Ron was writing a dodgy letter to his family, Ginny was flirting with Trevor's deformed, white-blonde haired children, Lavender and Parvati were having shots of the blue liquid that they had bought off Hermione, The Creevy brothers were taking pictures of Seamus doing manly poses and Herminie was hitting on a pretty girl wearing heavy make-up, which was actually Dean Thomas.

Harry walked over to Hermione and held out a galleon

"Oh, sorry Harry, I'm all sold out. I just swapped my last bottle for Deans straightener, I'm sorry. But hey, I have got these"

She lowered her voice and held up a jar which contained twelve round white pills.

"They are muggle drugs, very powerful. You have no idea of the lengths I had to go to get them. They make you go numb all over, and if you take a few, like, say, nine, you get hyper. They are called nurofen plus."

"Err, no thanks Hermione, they sound too extreme for me. But I wont say no to a butter beer, if you've got any"

"No sorry, the kitchen is all out, they say someone stole the entire stash. I would love to get my hands on them."

"Yeah, wonder who it was"

Harry suddenly looked shifty

"Well I'm just going for a walk, see you later."

"Bye, Harry"

Harry made a quick exit through the portrait hole. Whatever was in that sherry must have been stronger than he thought, because he was feeling quite dizzy. There was a half open door about a meter away so he lurched over in that direction, deciding to sleep there for the night.

Just as he was opening the door, he heard a yelping noise that sounded like a cat being tortured.

He pulled open the door. Inside Kreacher and Dobby were both hugging Winky. Winky was giggling in a most un-house elf way. Dobby looked over and saw Harry, his eyes went wide and he quickly ran over to him.

"Harry sir, I, I've been meaning to find you. I found out why everyone has been acting so strangely. Someone has been drugging the pumpkin juice with some kind of muggle plant. And the password to the headmasters office is 'Hogwarts'. Dobby must be going now sir!"

And with that there was a pop and Dobby, Kreacher and Winky were gone.

Having nothing to do, Harry decided to go see the new headmaster. He knew it must be someone worthy, or the room would have sealed itself from them. And who would have thought of 'Hogwarts' for a password? Ingenious

He reached the gargoyle, spoke the password and climbed the stairs. He thought about knocking on the door but decided against it. Everyone loved Harry, they wouldn't mind if he came in un-invited.

He kicked the door open and went and sat on the chair in front of the desk. The hooded stranger just sat there and stared at him. Finally, Harry broke the silence.

"Hello? Nice to meet you? Jezze mate, its not everyday you meet Harry Potter. See my scar? Say something!"

"Wow, Harry Potter! What an honour. You're quite famous you know. I heard about you before. You're parents must be proud to have a famous son."

"My parents are dead, dick. And of course you've heard of me before, what planet are you from. How can you replace Dumbledore if you don't even know who I am? Who the hell are you?"

"Dumbledore? Oh, right, he's the one who died. I got this job by paying McGonagal with gold and sexual favours. I was going to visit my friend, Tony Blair, when I heard him talking to some guy called Fudge, which I thought was funny because I eat fudge on a regular basis. Anyway I heard about one sentence, something about magic. Once the Fudge guy had vanished I went in and told Tony that if he didn't tell me everything he knew about magic then I'd have him removed from the government and put in the slums. Then I found platform nine and three-quarters, hid in a luggage rack and got my job here. It's really fun. On the first day I tried to put marijuana in the pumpkin juice but it was found and the pumpkin juice was put away in a room off the kitchens. Some elves wearing weird clothes instead of pillow cases were supposed to throw it out. Terrible waste, I thought"

"So, who are you exactly?"

"Well you might have heard of me before"

Said the stranger, removing his balaclava

"My name is Harry, some people call me Harry Pothead but my real name is Harry Windser, Prince Harry Windser"

Harry Potter marched out of he room without saying a word. He decided to go see Hagrid. Hagrid was already weird, but he was smart too, wonder what he thinks of having a royal muggle as a headmaster.

Again Harry didn't knock, he walked right in, to find Hagrid standing in front of an enormous mirror.

"Arry, do you think I'd be cooler if I was black? Cause I was thinkin that if I was cool then people would want to take my class, then I wouldn't be sitting by myself when I could be teachin, There's this muggle, Michel Jackson, and he went from black to white, so maybe I could go black? Arry? Arry? Arry where'd ya go?"

But Harry was already running across the field back towards Hogwarts. He couldn't take this anymore

"WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST BE NORMALL!"

Harry had been pushed to his limit.

'Normal!' 'Normal!' 'Normal!' echoed around the field a few times.

Suddenly there was a huge cracking sound. Right in the middle of the field something began rising out of the earth. Five minutes later a volcano that rouse out of the ground erupted. Lava went everywhere and three people tanning by the lake were killed.

"Hello, my name is Harry Potter. I am an alcoholic. I am best friends with a hillbilly and a skank-punk drug dealer. I share my dormitory with a rapist, a pervert and a transvestite. Half of my house are doing drugs and someone in the school is practising bestiality. The potions master is a psycho and my ex-girlfriend will shag anything that moves. The games keeper is a wigger. The school is being run by a muggle. A volcano just grew in the middle of the field and the lava destroyed Hagrid's pumpkin patch. What a shame. I'm going to play with the broomsticks."

**0000**

I'm really not sure about this one, reviews are always wanted


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